First time in Perù? (Edited and Revised)

First time in Perù?  Awesome!  You've made some excellent decisions thus far :); we are here to assist you in not straying from that path, as you enjoy your time here in this beautiful, majestic, historically-bountiful and (admittedly) slightly off-the-walls country.

Upon first arriving you probably noticed (or will soon notice) that Perù is extremely hectic and may seem quite unorganized to the untrained eye.  This can leave even the most experienced tourists feeling a bit flustered and disoriented upon arrival and for a few days after, until they adjust and settle in.  The first thing you will want to focus on when you get here, whether you're flustered or not, is how you want to spend your time in this exalted Arcadian.  The scale reaches right across the board: from the stereotypical 'tourist' experience right along to accommodating the "I traveled halfway across the world to get FUHHH-KED UP!!!!" type of tourist (oh my friends, do we accommodate this type of tourist well!  In fact, this blog will be focusing intently on that particular type of scene: the wild, demonic; bring out the worst in a person and then welcome that side into the family type of fucked up shit you can't even imagine!).

For those of you thinking 'This does not not sound like the page for me anymore!  Loco chicos'-  Fret not!  We, of course will be throwing in blips and blurbs aimed directly at the less party inclined as well.  Perhaps those who are more interested in the: monumental, gastronomic and historical comforts these grand Peruvian metropolises have to offer; comfortable/ private/ quite hotel rooms (wtf?); basically a 50/50 shot of rich cultural experience, alongside a good ol' fashioned time can surely be arranged for you!

As we have stated however, our main focus is 'the true Peruvian experience' AKA the MATEMADE way ;-D.  We will go into all the little-dirty-girl details of exactly what that means in our future posts buuuut.. here's a taste.

So, what makes a MATEMADE package so fucking special?  Well... It's all about the party mate!  That mental, pure; spontaneous shit we all need at least once ("once", can include several months) in our lives.  Inclusive of, but assuredly not limited to: beer pong tournaments, flip-cup competitions, body-shots, Mandingo's parties (not really lol), live concerts, costume parties (lots of costume parties), dance lessons, clubs, bars and tours so you can meet new people!!  This shit happens ALL FUCKIN' DAY, EVERY FUCKIN' DAY; IT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE AMPED FOR IT, IT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE SICK AND DYING AND CAN'T REST BECAUSE THE PARTY IS SO DAMN BANGIN', HELL: IT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR NOT EVEN THERE !!!!!!!!!  It's A Party Hostel motherfuckers, you are you can handle this shit?!

The bar staff are well-trained to guide you throughout your stay within this madness.  Recommending you the best drinks, games and will help you to meet like-minded crazy people; when everyone goes out to other clubs: don't have a buddy?  Mention it to one of the bar staff; they'll be ecstatic to have a new friend to bring along with them.  They will essentially keep an eye on you in regards to when the main group might be moving locations or heading back to base so that you don't get left behind.

A Peruvian party hostel is a small resort in which you may sleep, party, eat, relax, clean up, book and prepare for tours, unwind after tours, meet people, meet more people, talk with people, talk with more people, drink with people, drink with more people and although we don't provide such as a service [;-)]: with all those people all up in that place: a good lookin' person like you I'm sure you could pick a few of 'em up eh; and as long as it's consensual you can do that too!

Fun fact: the more people which stay at the hostel each day, the more fucking awesome the party will go each night (that wasn't a baby joke, ask your receptionist for condoms..).

For being an absolute megalopolis and the capital of the country (Fun fact: 7,605,742 pop.), Lima has its limits.  Due to noise restrictions, everything fun must shut down by 0100 hours, save Thursday through Saturday, then it goes fuckin' awesome dude! That's when the nightclubs are open (through the after-hours  and they are BANGIN'!!

But Qosq'o (*pause, Oh boy, *unpause), Qosq'o is a whole other dimension of BANG!!  They call Qosq'o 'The City That Never Sleeps', I believe New York is also referred to as the same, but Qosq'o takes on the slogan in a whole different context!!!  The clubs start to have some action at midnight and the bars will give you a good welcome to alcoholism and (real) social interaction starting at 1800 hours.  Living the #HostelLife though, you will find it quite simple to Rock N' Roll All Night And Party Every Day if your #PickingUpWhatImLayingDown.

So stay tuned to MATEMADE for increasingly in-depth and risque intell. on #TheDirt that Lima and Qosq'o have to offer.  We about to get phresh up in this bitch YUH !!! ;-D.

The Love Of My Visa- Part One (Edited and Revised)

Who out there can honestly, deep down, say that they do not believe in some (perhaps far fetch'd) notion of: love at first sight?  That certain type of astounding, paralyzing; breath-taking love which abates us back along the path of maturity (and evolution in general!) that we have worked so hard to stride so far along!  The kind of love what fills us with those intoxicating rushes of adrenaline and courage, and denies entrance to all and any semblance of logical thought/ reason.  If any of you are saying "I!  I do not believe!", then you have clearly never been, to Perù.  This is the YOLO shit of the here and the now! "MILLENNIUM TWENTY-ONE, YUH !!!" and this is exactly what we wish to talk about today...

While in Perù, there will be many things you will need to casually look out for (just as any other place in the world).  A particular one of these dangers however, is particularly more difficult to identify and defend against than most others.  They are called Brichera(s)/ Brichero(s), for male and female predators respectively.  There is no known defense against these savage creatures of the night(life), not even protected sex is safe: and that's protected!!  Thus: we are here! to inform and educate you on the 'inner-city kitty' so that you may identify the biped fleshling before it gets too strong a grip on your soul, and loudly announce (in the middle of the, surely, crowded room) "No Brichera, I will not come to the room with you!  No, not even just for a second!  I do not care what you have to show me!  Please leave me alone now!" or if you're feeling super ambitious, try this one: "No Brichera, no voy a llegado a la habitación con usted! No, ni siquiera sólo por un segundo! I No me importa lo lo que tienes que me mostrar! Por favor déjeme solos ahora!"

A bank sells opportunities, beer sells good times and a Brichera sells their 'love'.  That is what they do.  Sometimes they will offer you a variety of 'products', such as: passion, compassion, companionship, guidance, information, management assistance, le sexy time, shopping recommendations, bodyguards* and all sorts of shit you could never even imagine!  This isn't even touching the icing on the cake!

You have to understand that you will never get the right/ proper 'products'.  There will always be some little thing about the whole gimmick and you will feel bad bringing it up because your 'friend' was such a 'great person' to just 'try and help you out at all'.  Fact of the matter is: these demons fester n in the busy city streets of these popular; transient tourist destinations thinking that they are camouflage shit and all that...  And to 99.9% of innocent passerby: THEY ARE!  They know what they're doing and they hold no remorse for it.  They wake up every morning with the conscious intention of ripping you off, so don't get sucked in to their luxurious offers (no pun intended ;-P).

If you ask a Brichera(/o) for something they will be super attentive and imply that they are the go to person for anything you want.  For example:  if you ask such people where is the best place to party/ where is the best restaraunt/ where can I take a nice day trip et cetera, their response will run along the lines of "I actually know a guy who..." or "If you want, we could go..." or "I know this really nice little place; we could head down there right now..."  DON'T GET SUCKED IN.  One very important thing to remember is that these people are desperate and they only want you for a couple of reasons (as has been being explained) so PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT reveal any information about yourself such as: where you are staying, your phone number, where you are going to be heading that evening/ day; refrain from revealing absolutely anything at all that may give you up to them and their network (yes they often work in networks as well).  They may be extremely sexually attractive and quite possible the nicest person you have met on your long and lonely journey (the difficult part here is distinguishing who is from who is not :( ) but you must treat these people as though they're criminals and you are fearing for your life.

So, they are an awkward; cheap version of a vampire that rules the nights and Qosq'o/ Cusco/ Cuzco, Lima and many other major hubs you will come across, and they know (or pretend to know) everybody and every place around their respective watering hole.

Cheap vampires with a main goal: getting a trophy; just think, without us here at  MateMade: your ass would be mounted and drained of blood in no time flat, down in that hot Peruvian sun!  Don't thank us yet though, just keep drinking in our little blood-meal of education-

Identifying C*%#..... I mean, Blood-Sucking Vampires, while living it up in the one country that truly does it right.     ~Viva El Perù~.  See below:

Brichero

Appearance

• 'Abandoned' hair with some type of rasta-string or other ornamental doo-hickey hanging about the area.

• Outdoor adventure clothes/ something commonly seen in the local market stalls (often poorly washed); if they are really 'cleaned up' then they will likely be sporting black or white undershirts.

• Often rocking sport-caps (45° position is all the rage) of teams they may or may not know (often times they can be caught not even knowing what sport the team plays!)

Brichera

Appearance

• Shiny, straight hair, with some extra color (most commonly red) thanks to L'Oreal or mud.

• Typically a black and red outfit.

• Blouse with plunging neckline.

• Very tight jeans with no pockets.

• Extremely attractive (NOT LIMITED TO QUALITY FEATURES!  Be on the lookout for Bricheras who are all sorts of lookings!)

• Common feature is extreme make-up with 'Barney-Purple' and 'Red-Slut' colors.

 Behavior /Attributes

(The behavioral model is universally applicable)

• They know at least five words of ALL of the most common languages which pass through the area.

• They work in tourist agencies, restaurants, hostels or just do not work.

• They be packin' shit-tonnes of FDT's (free drink tickets), as this is their currency!

• They call attention to themselves by screaming or dancing very erratically.

• Rum and Coke is what they will be drinking.. If they've just made a FDTr (Free Drink Transaction) and Mojito, Scotch or Vodka if someone else is paying.

Their intentions: drink for free, get laid (these two are understandable, really-), get a Visa.  The type of Visa which allows them out of Perù, and into.. God only knows where; they achieve this by A) getting pregnant B) enlightening upon you a 'visionary' new business opportunity C) getting you to fall in love with them and actually pay to put them through the entire proper procedure to attain one!! Hah!  Trust me my friends, it is a love that will be sorely short lived.  Just look at how these people have survived their entire lives so far: deception, manipulation, lying, cheating, stealing et cetera.  Psychologically speaking, they are now wired to continue down that same path, no matter where we put them; no matter what we tell them or what they tell us.

So go have a blast and love life like you only can in this magical country what knows no equal!  Don't let us scare you from getting out there and meeting people either!  We just want you to be aware that there are people like this and inform you that they happen to thrive in popular tourist destinations such as Lima, Arequipa and (especially) Qosq'o.  We only ask that you keep these things in the back of your mind when dealing with suspicious persons; also spread the word to your friends and loved ones!  Now go have a blast eh!

!!!!!!!!!  VIVA EL PERÙ !!!!!!!!!